Top 50 Best Inspiring George Carlin Quotes

Quote George Carlin: George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time.  We hope you enjoy our list of George Carlin Quotes

Common Questions About George Carlin

What is George Carlin's religion?

Irish Catholic

Was George Carlin in the military?

After dropping out of high school, in 1954 Carlin joined the Air Force.

How did George Carlin die?

Carlin had a history of heart problems passed away on June 22, 2008, at the age of 71

Our Favorite George Carlin Quotes

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”


“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

“I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”


“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.”

“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”

“So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”