Top 50 Best Inspiring Groucho Marx Quotes

Groucho Marx with a cigar in his mouth

Groucho Marx Quotes: Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America’s greatest comedians. He made 13 feature films as a team with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. We hope you enjoy our list of Groucho Marx Quotes.

Common Questions about Groucho Marx

Was Groucho mustache real?

Groucho Marx also used a fake mustache during his years in vaudeville and in the early Marx Brothers movies. However, his was drawn onto his lip with greasepaint, containing no hairs or bristles.

How did Groucho Marx get his name?

 He got the nickname after “Groucho the Monk” from the Knocko the Monk comic strip.

What ethnicity were the Marx Brothers?

The brothers were the sons of Jewish immigrants Simon or Sam (“Frenchie”) Marx (or Marks)

Our Favorite Groucho Marx Quotes

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

“Do you mind if I don't smoke?”

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

“I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.”

“I must admit, I was born at an early age. ”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”

“Room service? Send up a larger room."

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”


“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”


“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”

“Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.”

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”


“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”