Top 50 Best Inspiring Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright in a comedy club doing stand up.

 Steven Wright Quotes: Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Common Asked Questions about Alexander Wright

Where is Steven Wright from?

How old is Steven Wright?

65 years (December 6, 1955)

Our Favorite Alexander Wright Quotes

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“What's another word for thesaurus?”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”


“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”


“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”